Katherine Donaldson (katharos) wrote,
Katherine Donaldson
katharos

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On Pregnancy and Not Being Excited.

So, I'm 8+ months pregnant, the baby could come any time now and I can have my home birth, barring complications. Really the entire thing so far has been really easy. I mean, I've been uncomfortable, sure, I've been tired, my back hurts, I have weird compressed nerve pain, I'm working fewer hours a week than I was, but I'm still riding my bike to the train to work, and I'm still going to yoga on Fridays, I can reach my feet without bending my legs (individually anyway, the whole water mellon uterus does get in the way with the standard touch your toes utanasa,) I can still balance on my hands in the crow, or crane, or whatever you call it, bakasana. So there have been inconveniences, but nothing has gone really wrong. In general things are pretty good.

Now we come to the most frustrating part of my pregnancy. When people come up and ask me, in that 'oh aren't you cute' tone of voice, "Aren't you Excited!" Or "Oh, you must be so Excited!". So, yah, it isn't really a question. Even when it is a question the answer is implied. The answer has to be "Yes! This is the most exciting thing ever to happen in my entire life!" And if it isn't, then either, (A) I'm a freak, or (B) I get the lecture on how "Just wait until you give birth, it will change your entire life!" And the implied subtext "And it will be the most wonderful thing ever!"

And maybe they are right, I'm trying very hard to withhold judgment, maybe it will be the most incredible thing in my life, EVAR! But, you know, I'm not expecting it to be. Because I'm pretty in touch with myself, and I've lived with myself for the last 29+ years, and so far nothing has been the most incredible thing ever, especially not the moments that were 'supposed' to be. And I'm ok with that. I'm pretty happy with my life, honestly, I can't see it having been much better. But all of the good things that have happened have been little good things, little bricks building the texture of my life and history. Sure I bliss out occasionally, I've done the blissed-out-of-my-mind eros thing, and I've done the I've-known-you-for-10+-years-and-I-still-love-you agape bliss thing, but it seems like there have been just as many times when I've had to stop and look at the way the light was falling on something, or looked at a cloud, or seen the answer to a math problem, or wrote a piece of really good code. Sometimes there is a moment when life clicks and things are beautiful. And that weaves into the pattern of happiness. But most of the time I just am. I did not, for example, bliss out for my wedding. I enjoyed it, I wouldn't have changed anything, I'm glad it happened, I wouldn't want to be married to anyone else. It was a kick-ass wedding. But at the same time I don't feel like it dramatically changed anything. It was part of the fabric, it was right that it happen.

I just am. I exist. I live day by day. Things change. I will have a child. Things will change more. Maybe my values will change, maybe I will change. Probably not. The core me-ness that underlies all the superficial veneer of emotions, bouncy, grouchy, all of that hormonal stuff that float around on top, that core has been the same as long as I can remember existing. And really, most of the time the veneer is pretty thin, and the core is damn unchanging.

Sometimes I think this means that clinically I spend most of my life depressed and disconnected. But what does that really mean? I am me, and I'm pretty happy with that.

So I try to be nice to the gooshy people. To them I do not say, No! I am NOT GOD DAMN EXCITED. I know they are just trying to be nice, instead I will just say it to you. No, I am not excited, babies are an insane amount of work, of course things will change, life is about change, change is the river, I don't want to have a plan, and no, I am not a freak.
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