Katherine Donaldson (katharos) wrote,
Katherine Donaldson
katharos

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To work or to play

I'm thinking again about quitting my job to stay home with Rebecca. Of course, not to do anything by halves, I'm conteplating quitting my job and staying home for the next 20 years to home school her and her theoretical sibling. Because on paper that is some kind of utopian dream. But I am really really bad at making dramatic life changes. It is so much easier to just keep doing the same thing every day, maybe what you are doing isn't the optimal thing to be doing, but it isn't that bad, it has worked so far, right? It is pretty good really. Working my job, which I enjoy and I am good at, is much easier than I think taking care of Rebecca full time would be. The days that I am at work are like little vacations, where for 8 hours I don't have to pay attention to anything other than what I am doing, and I can take web breaks whenever I want. Admittedly, I've been feeling recently that my job is less rewarding, and that taking care of Rebecca is more rewarding. The older she gets the more interesting and rewarding she is. Of course there is the financial consideration, we don't really need my salary, it is currently split between paying for daycare and going into savings effectively, but being hoarders Jesse and I think it is very nice that we are saving as much as we are. The counter point to that of course is saving for what? Shouldn't we be only making enough money to be basically happy plus a little for retirement, and taking the rest of our pay in free time? I have been doing that for the last many years, I only work three days a week, but I feel like if I worked any less than that I would be really not effective at my job. Jesse is thinking about negotiating down to four days a week, but he wouldn't if I left my job, and that doesn't really seem fair. Then of course there is what is best for Rebecca, which I think about constantly, and have the least clue about. Sometimes it seems like daycare really sucks, and all the kids are crying or seeking little drops of attention like light starved flowers, and other times it seems like, what's the big deal, the toys change, she's learning to amuse herself, and the kids are mostly happy and doing things. And I have no real way of assessing the fraction of the times that it is good vs bad. Spot measurements really don't cut it. If they have all just come back from a stroller bus ride, they are all crying their hearts out, because apparently 45min of walking around in a stroller isn't long enough and they want to do that all day long. And now Rebecca is moving up to the next room, which is way frigging over due, and she will get outside play in the morning and afternoon, and hell, I don't know what I'm doing.
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